The chicken or the egg?

“So again, I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband….” Ephesians 5:33 (Living Bible)

It’s the old question of the chicken and the egg. Which comes first?

The husband says, “I would love my wife if she would show me respect.” The wife says, “I would respect my husband if he would show me love.” So who goes first? 

The chicken or the egg? Hmm?

He says, “How can I love someone who treats me like something you scrape off the bottom of your shoe?” She says, “How can I respect him when he acts like….” well, you can fill in your own simile.

It’s amazing how well the Apostle Paul understood human nature. He knew men and women are wired differently. Men need respect, in fact, they will often do some very unloving things to gain it as they scratch and claw their way to the top of the pile. Women crave affection. Some will be willing to compromise their respect to gain it from the man of their dreams.

Chances are, when the relationship began, they were meeting each others needs. He was bringing her chocolates and flowers, lavishing affection upon her. She couldn’t stop telling him how much she admired him. He was her strength, her knight in shining armor.

But somewhere along the way they stopped thinking of the needs of the other and began thinking only of themselves. And things went south from there.

Paul understood the old sales axiom from his Amway days…. To get what you want, you have to help others get what they want. He is saying, “Dude, if you want her respect, give her your love. Hey, Girl, if you want his love, treat him with respect.”

I’m still not sure which is first, the chicken or the egg. Maybe it can go either way. As long as it begins somewhere. 

By the way, you may want to read “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard Harley, Jr. Some disagree with the author but he helped open my eyes to the needs of my wife. Made a good marriage better. Del

 

Hey there, Cuz!

Had a visit from my cousin, Bob Curtis, not long ago. Hadn’t seen him since High School days, almost forty years ago.

“Bobby, you’re looking great!” I said, fingers crossed behind my back.

“Del, you haven’t changed a bit since the last time I saw you,” he said, lying through his teeth.

I’m thinking to myself, I sure hope I didn’t look like this when I was seventeen. Of course, that would explain why it was so hard to get a date for the prom.

Bob has battled cancer off and on the past few years. Seems to be doing well now, but like he said, you never know with cancer. You just never know. All you can do is take one day at a time.

Funny thing, I was reading James just a couple days ago. He says,

“Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.” James 4:14

As we in Hawaii say, “Here today. Gone to Maui.”

I told my cousin we’re all terminal. None of us are getting out of here alive. Not unless the trumpet sounds.

But I’m not so worried about what will happen tomorrow. I’m more concerned about how I’m living today. Being the best husband I can be. Setting the right example for my children to follow. Living my life in a manner pleasing to God.

These are among the priorities in my life. I hope you have taken time to define priorities for yours.

Yep. Like Cousin Bob says, it’s one day at a time.

Aren’t you glad we don’t have to take ‘em two at a time?!

 

The truth hurts

I’ve gotta do something about the couch. It’s way too lumpy.

It all began like any other Sunday. Got up. Had my morning coffee. Read the paper. Got ready for church.

Then my wife asked the question every husband hates. “Does this dress make me look fat?”

Now, I’ve been told it’s wrong to lie. And my wife and I promised we’d always be truthful with each other. So what was I to say?

My uncle once told his wife, it’s not the dress that makes you look fat. It’s your big rump. Actually, that was my “late” uncle. He died of mysterious causes. Coroner’s report claimed blunt force trauma.

In Ephesians, Paul tells us to speak the truth in love. But then again, Paul wasn’t married.

But there is a way to handle nearly every delicate situation. For instance, I could have given her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told her she looks great no matter what she wears. And that would have been the truth.

Sometimes it takes the wisdom of Solomon to keep a marriage strong… I thought to myself last night, while staring at the ceiling from the lumpy couch.

 

I’ll pray for anyone but him

Then when Job prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his wealth and happiness. In fact, the Lord gave him twice as much as before. Job 42:10

I find it intriguing that God turned Job’s fortunes around when Job prayed for his “friends.” For the past forty or so chapters, these so-called friends have been badmouthing him, telling him what a scumbag he is, what a worthless excuse he is for a human being. Talk about being kicked when you’re already down. They not only kick him, they get in the SUV and back over him a couple times.

Why is it we can be so brutal when it comes to letting others know their faults and failures? I’m speaking of people we love. Our spouse. Our children. It’s so easy to hurl insults at each other not realizing that each time we do, we erode the foundation of our relationship. Each stinging critique chips away at the mortar that holds the structure together.

The message I am getting today is to pray for those who despitefully use you, as Jesus once said. I’ve done that in the past, but only halfheartedly. I cannot say I have prayed sincerely for those who have hurt me. Why? Because I really don’t want God to bless them. They don’t deserve it.

But Job prayed for his friends and when he did, God restored his wealth and happiness. It makes no mention of whether God blessed the friends, but He definitely blessed Job.

Hmmm?

 

Please encourage me

Sitting here at Starbucks, it’s interesting the conversations you can eavesdrop on. There’s a young married couple two tables down. They have the cutest little girl. Blond wavy hair. Three or four years old.

The husband has been on his wife’s case from the moment they walked in. The only time he isn’t criticizing her is when he’s yelling at the girl. She’s full of energy. Can’t sit still. It annoys him.

The wife is unhappy. You can see it in the empty look in her eyes. Can’t  blame her. I would be too, if this guy was in my grill all day.

Someday, she’ll have an affair. Someone will come along who treats her with kindness, tells her how nice she looks, makes her feel good about herself. Words of encouragement she longs to hear. And she’ll fall head over heels. You can bet the farm.

Her husband will be viewed as the victim. After all, she is the one who had the affair. She’s the one who was unfaithful, not him. And she will live with the shame.

I’d like to grab the guy by the throat and shake him. “Stick a sock in your mouth, Dude. Wake up! Look what you’re doing to your family.”

I am convinced, one of the biggest needs we have is the need for encouragement. Life has a way of beating up on you. Hitting you below the belt. And you’re left crying out, “Encourage me! Say something that will make me feel good about myself. Because right now, I’m feeling really cruddy.”

A couple years ago, I promised myself I would encourage my wife every day. I would encourage my children every opportunity I got. No more cutting remarks. No backhanded verbal jabs. And I won’t complain about other things. My job, my health, my finances. No one needs to hear how bad the president is doing. They don’t need me complaining about the price of gas. It just isn’t necessary.

Heed the words of Paul from 1 Thessalonians 5:11: Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

I challenge you to make that commitment, as I did. Encourage your wife and children. Build them up every day. They are crying out for it.

 

Tell him where to go!

And then He adds, “I will never again remember their sins and lawless deeds.” Hebrews 10:17

One thing we need to remember is that when God forgives, He forgets. There are several scriptures that teach us that. If He kept all our sins on His hard-drive, He’d max it out so He just drags and drops the files into the trash and then deletes the trash.

Satan doesn’t forget our past and he doesn’t want us to either. So he keeps bringing it up. It’s one of his best weapons – condemnation. You’re no good. You did drugs. You cheated on your wife. You lied, you stole. He has a record of every wrongful thing we’ve ever done stored on a flash memory-stick and when we’re least  expecting it, he’ll pop it into the USB port of our life and play it in vivid color. It all comes back like it was yesterday, and we feel condemned.

Next time Satan reminds you of your past and you feel discouraged, here’s what to do. Remind him of his future. Now he’ll be the one who is discouraged. He will someday be bound and cast into a lake of fire where he will spend eternity.

Since God forgives and forgets our wrong doings, we must do the same for our family. I cannot stress how important it is. If they made a mistake and asked your forgiveness, then forgive them and forget about it. Don’t bring it up again. Ever.

You get in a heated argument with your wife and you want to dig something up out of the past - bite your lip. Put a cork in it. No matter how much you want to, don’t bring it up. She might drag stuff out of your past, but don’t you do it. You be the bigger person.

Same goes for your children. They mess up for the hundredth time – don’t throw their past failures in their face. Deal with the present then move forward to the future but forget the past. God put your eyes in the front of your head for a reason. They’re meant to look forward. He didn’t create us with a rear-view mirror.

Again, since God is willing to forget the past, we must do the same. Let’s move forward in victory!

 

Twenty eight years… and seems like yesterday

Twenty eight years ago today! August 26, 1978 – the day Maude dragged me down the aisle, kicking and screaming. It was a tough assignment marrying her, but someone had to do it! I gave up my bachelors degree and she received her masters.

She thought marrying me would produce the perfect children. Just think. If they got her good looks and my brains – what an incredible combination! Unfortunately, they got my looks and her brains. Not good! Not good at all!

Actually, she was, and still is, the most incredible woman on the face of the earth. Beautiful. Talented. Charming. Talk about poise. Oh, and did I mention? She’s a good cook too. As much as I hate to admit it, she’s a lot smarter than I’ll ever be. What she saw in me, I really don’t know.

So twenty eight years, three kids, and an empty nest later, I thank God for my wife. She is truly amazing and I love her dearly!

 

Smart man, Zach!

Zacharias said to the angel, “This is impossible. I am an old man now, and my wife is well along in years.” Luke 1:18

Imagine your surprise if you are Zacharias. An angel visits you and your wife and tells you you’re going to have a son. Now, Zach knows Elizabeth is way too old for that kind of stuff, and he’s been a member of the AARP for a long time himself. Earlier in the chapter, Luke described the two as being “very old.”

But I like the choice of words Zacharias uses. He acknowledges that he is, as he puts it, “an old man” but notice, he doesn’t call his wife “an old lady.” He describes her as being “well along in years.” Smart man, Zach! You don’t call your wife an old lady, not unless you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

Apparently, he didn’t have to sleep on the couch. A short time later, Elizabeth became pregnant.

The verse speaks to me of a man who respects his wife and wants to speak only positive words about her. Too often, guys look for ways to put their wife down in front of others. “Yeah, I guess I’ll go home and see what the old lady’s got for dinner tonight. Hope it’s better then that cat food she served last night.”

Not Zacharias. He only speaks well of Elizabeth. Maybe that is one of the qualities God saw in him when he selected him to become the father of none other than John the Baptist.

Years of marriage can cause us to forget what a priceless gift our wife is – a gift, hand selected by our Heavenly Father. Speak well of her, Brother. Always speak well of her!

Action points:

• Make a conscious effort to praise your wife in front of others.
• Look for every opportunity to build her up with your words. Your words can build her up or tear her down.
• Ask God to forgive you for anything negative you have said about your wife, and then put an end to it.

 

Do unto your wife and She’ll do unto you!

You husbands must be careful of your wives, being thoughtful of their needs and honoring them as the weaker sex. Remember that you and your wife are partners in receiving God’s blessings, and if you don’t treat her as you should, your prayers will not get ready answers. 1 Peter 3:7

We’ve got two things going here, guys. First, God is telling us to be careful how we treat our wives. “Being thoughtful of their needs.” That’s the key…. “their needs” not ours. This is one time the Golden Rule does not apply.

If you are doing unto your wife as you would have her do unto you, you’re in big trouble. Her needs are different than yours. They are polar opposites. Your need is to sit in front of the tube and watch SportsCenter. Hers is to sit and talk about the kids. Dude, turn off the TV and talk about the kids! You need to find out what pleases her and do it. If you will, she will do what pleases you. Trust me. It just works that way.

But the other thing we have going is the opportunity to teach our children lessons in building a strong marriage, one that will be fulfilling and last a lifetime. They should learn everything they need to know about marriage by watching us. Not by watching the sitcoms.

Remember, you’re either showing them how to do it or how not to. Either way, they’ll take their cue from you.
Be careful of the little things that can bring down a marriage. You can build a house of brick that will withstand a hurricane but you can destroy it by chipping away, little by little, at the mortar between the bricks. A little chip here, a chip there - hardly means a thing – but over the years, the mortar erodes and the house collapses.

Watch the little jabs, the small, cutting remarks you make to your wife. They may seem small. I mean, it’s not like you’re having an affair. It’s not a hurricane. But over time, it will wear your spouse down - enough is enough - and the marriage collapses. And you’re standing there, scratching your head, wondering what went wrong.

Listen to Peter. Be thoughtful of her needs.

1. Take time today to consider your wife’s needs. Think of three things that are important in her life. Then do what you can to meet those needs. It will take time and effort but it will be time and effort well spent.

2. Guard against any cutting remarks. Do whatever it takes, if it means biting your tongue, but do not let any criticism of her come out of your mouth. No More! Replace it with praise. Begin to restore the mortar with words of encouragement.

3. Pray with her tonight. Before you go to bed, take her hand and pray with her. And let her hear you tell God what a lucky guy you are to have her as your wife. Do it, Brother! Just do it.